Threesome

threesome

A threesome is sexual activity involving three people.

In human sexuality, a threesome is sexual activity that involves three people at the same time. Threesome can also refer to a love triangle, a three-way romantic relationship. Though threesome is most commonly applied to a casual sexual activity involving sexual activity among three participants, a threesome may also be found in a long-term domestic relationship, such as polyamory or a ménage à trois.

A threesome is a form of group sex, but involving only three people. It may occur more frequently in private situations, such as spontaneous sexual activity among three friends, or arranged in a community of like-minded swingers or planned as a once-only experience; and rarely in anonymous settings, such as at orgies or other sex parties. Among swinging couples, one of the two partners is often the driving force and the other is more passive-supportive of the addition of additional sex parties.  Some couples use a threesome as a way to develop a love triangle (ménage à trois).

Types

The people involved in a threesome may have any combination of gender and sexual orientation. Each participant may engage in any type of sex act with one or both of the others, such as vaginal, anal or oral sex or mutual masturbation. One or more of the participants may engage in autoerotic sexual activity, such as masturbation, possibly without physical contact with the other participants. It is a matter of subjective definition whether participation of a third person without physical contact constitutes a threesome. This may relate to fetishes such as voyeurism or cuckolding. Lucky Pierre is slang for a person performing both receptive and insertive anal and/or vaginal sex simultaneously during a threesome, being positioned between the two partners.

A heterosexual threesome may involve two men and a woman, for example, in double penetration, or two women and a man. A bisexual threesome may involve a man having sex with a man and a woman, the woman having sex with a man and a woman, or all three having sex with each other. A homosexual threesome would involve either three men or three women. Other possibilities are possible, such as a man having sex with two women who are having sex with each other.

Sex positions

Threesome sexual activity may take place in a number of sex positions; for example, the following:

Threesome sex positions

Instruction how to Set Up a Threesome

A threesome very well may be the most common sexual fantasy—but as common as it is, it’s tricky to make happen in real life. Here’s your guide to turning this fantasy into a reality.

threesome hearts in a row

Tell Your Partner You’re Interested

If you haven’t already, the obvious first step is to let your partner know you’re interested in having a threesome. If you’re worried about how your partner might react to this news, explain your reasoning. It’s easy to think the worst when someone shares that they’re interested in having a threesome. Your partner might worry that you want to have a threesome because you’re not attracted to them anymore, or you’re bored with your sex life, or you’re interested in someone else. You can assuage these fears by letting your partner know what sounds sexy about having a threesome with them in particular. Make it clear that your partner is the most important person in the triad—not the third person.

Make Sure You Both Want It

If your partner says “yes” to a threesome, it’s important to make sure that they’re being honest. This is especially crucial if your relationship is monogamous. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve worked with where one partner agreed to a threesome, but didn’t actually want it. Your partner may worry that you’ll end the relationship if you don’t get to have a threesome. Or they may be going into self-sacrificing mode, and putting your needs before their own. Threesomes can be disastrous if one partner is just doing it for the other. Give yourselves at least a few weeks to make a decision, and check in with your partner a few times to make sure it’s what they want. Let them know it’s not a deal-breaker for you. (Unless it is—but that’s another article.)

Get Clear on Your Boundaries

If you’re both on board with the idea of trying a threesome, the next step is to talk about the specifics of what you want to do. In particular, what guidelines or boundaries do you want to have in place? Do you want any specific boundaries for your very first threesome? For example, maybe you want to ease into things by just kissing and fondling. Here are some possibilities to think about:

 

  • What specific sexual activities do you feel comfortable doing with a third person?
  • What specific sexual activities are off the table? Maybe you’re comfortable with intercourse, but you don’t want kissing.
  • Are the rules different for each partner?
  • What happens if one of you gets jealous or uncomfortable in the middle of the threesome?
  • What do you want the third person to do after the threesome?
  • Are you open to repeat performances with the same person?

A lot of my clients complain that this step is boring and takes the fun out of the fantasy. But if you care about your relationship, it’s so important to be clear on your comfort levels. This is where a lot of threesome fantasies fall apart. If you can’t agree on the boundaries that will make you both feel comfortable, you probably shouldn’t move forward with trying to have a threesome.

Fantasize Together About It First

Once you know exactly what’s on and off the table, I highly recommend spending some time dirty talking about a potential threesome first. When you guys are getting down, talk about what it would be like to have a third person there. Go through potential scenarios with each other. Not only is this really hot, but it also serves as a final gut check to make sure you feel comfortable moving forward.

Put Out Feelers

Next up is one of the most frustrating steps of setting up a threesome—finding your third person. They’re not called “unicorns” for nothing. Not only do you have to find someone who’s attractive to both of you, they also have to be attracted to you in return and excited about the specific boundaries that you have. It’s a tall order.

 

Dating apps are your friend here. Put up a picture of the two of you, and be upfront about the fact that you’re looking for someone to hook up with together. Don’t try to lure someone in with a solo profile, then spring the threesome idea on them later.

Communicate Your Boundaries

I also highly recommend meeting potential thirds beforehand, so you can all scope each other out and make sure you feel good proceeding. Meet somewhere for a drink and a discussion of what you’re looking for.

 

I think it’s best to convey your boundaries to the third person before the three of you are naked. It might feel more intimidating initially, but it will ensure a better experience for all of you. Make sure to ask the third person about their comfort levels and guidelines too. Remember that they’re a human being with their own need and boundaries. They’re not just a plaything for you and your partner.

Take Your Time

When you’re excited about the prospect of a threesome, it’s easy to want to make it happen as quickly as possible. But there are so many ways a threesome can go wrong. It’s best to take your time, and proceed with care. Your thoughtfulness will pay off in the end.

Partner search

Find a partner in the field of interest in the sections:   Profiles Search,   Classifieds

5 comments

  • Melanie

    01/17/2019 at 7:10 am

    I just recently had a threesome and a foursome, and I had pretty much followed all of this stuff to a tee about setting boundaries and it really helped

    Reply
  • James

    01/17/2019 at 7:23 am

    I was involved in a 3-way twice. Each time it was underwhelming. I don’t know if it was unmet expectations or what, but I think it’s the concept that is arousing, not the execution.

    Reply
    • Carrie

      01/17/2019 at 7:36 am

      I’m curious as to what went “wrong” for you. I mean, it’s not for everyone, and just because you didn’t like it doesn’t mean that you didn’t have a threesome “correctly,” but there’s such a laundry list of things that can taint the experience that it’s worth considering whether a change in circumstances, setting or partners would have changed the outcome for you.

      Reply
  • Jerry

    01/17/2019 at 7:29 am

    A well-executed three way or group can be awesome. As a gay man I’ve had several. Could be something in the straight dynamic between men and women though that throws things off. I have no idea.

    Reply
  • Carrie

    01/17/2019 at 7:35 am

    I will say that I’ve had some bad ones too and they can be really awkward if one of the people isn’t into it. Everything has to be firing on all cylinders for it to work out well I think.

    Reply